LDR

March 15, 2025: Long distance relationships: are they worth it?

People always seem to be quite wary about long distance relationships, and for valid reasons. It usually comes down to a cost-benefit analysis; wondering whether the short amount of time you do have together is worth the time spent apart and loneliness and challenges that come with distance. And there is no right answer; there’s just too many unknown variables.

But as a stupid 18 year old I didn’t even think twice and I had just accepted it as a chapter of our relationship that we’d just have to get through. I knew that choosing to live abroad in Japan meant that a long distance relationship would be inevitable, but like any naive high schooler I thought that love conquered all. Even though my mom nudged me to break things off before I moved to Japan, I was as stubborn as ever, and even slightly insulted that she would even bring it up. In retrospect I know she was just trying to protect me from the inevitable heartbreak, but I couldn’t see it at the time.

We went into it pretty blindly with the end goal being four long years away. We made up our own rules as we went along, each more unrealistic and stupid than the last. We were just kids who didn’t know what it meant to be in a healthy relationship, let alone a long distance one. We already had problems before I left for Japan and the ocean between us only made things worse. My entire existence began to revolve around him and it was starting to become unhealthy. But this was the only relationship I knew, so it was easy to dismiss the signs.

I hate to admit it to myself now, but I became more careful about the clothes I wore, how much make up I put on, what I was posting on social media, and who I hung around with. To no surprise, I basically had no friends my first year and when I wasn’t in classes I was either at my sister’s apartment or alone in my dorm room. I created a dangerous, solitary environment that didn’t allow me to see or admit what was really happening. In the end I just got really good at lying to myself.

In my second year I moved off campus into my own apartment, started to make more friends, and became more involved in the community. I started to see glimpses of what the next couple years could look like and I started to allow myself to re-evaluate the life plan I had made in high school. I had always planned to move back home after college, move in together, get engaged at 26, married at 27 and have a child before 30. I had planned my life around this person and I didn’t have a back-up plan, so I couldn’t afford for this one to fail.

Ultimately, we both reached our breaking points and ended things after almost a couple years of long distance. We had grown up together and been through a lot, so it was not an easy decision, but it was the right one. Looking back, there are a lot of things I wish I had done differently, but I also know that I wasn’t mature enough at the time to have made the right decisions. You live and you learn, right?

My long distance relationship didn’t end in the fairytale I had originally wanted, but I’m still oddly positive about it. People always wonder if it’s worth it, and if they ask me for advice, I always say it’s worth giving it a shot. It may not have worked out for me in the way I thought it would, but I learned so much about myself, and I know I would have regretted ending things before we even tried.

We are no longer on speaking terms so I have no idea what he’d say, but despite the hard times we put each other through, I’d hope he’d also say he didn’t regret trying.